This Champagne Mojito Is the Last Thing I Own

I am many things, roysh — unbelievable babe magnet, red-hot lover, loyal kind of guy, best forward who never played for Ireland — but there are a few things I was basically sure I'd never be: related to a jailbird for starters, or listening to the old dear getting randier than a goat in heat, or even a father, for that matter. It's funny how life decides to throw you a total hospital pass every now and then. Really, like, hilarious. One minute you're the man, a ledge in his own town, every bird in sniffing distance wanting a piece of the action, and the next... well, let's just say if I had gone to Blackrock Market, roysh, and paid some crusty old crone to tell my future, and she told me all this, I would have said, 'Sorry, which features, but what the fock are you banging on about? I'm Ross O'Carroll-Kelly. I am the man, and I always will be. Roysh!' I would have been wrong, dude. And we are talking totally here.